I ve learned over the last year that books are a lot harder to write than Twitter posts. @davidspade (free plug)Welcome to my book, guys. Here are 200 pages of my blood, sweat, and jizz. It took a long time to write, and I hope you think it was worth it. These are the stories I tell to my friends or at dinner when I m drunk and everyone darts their eyes around and squirms in their chair hoping I ll finish soon. Others I ve told on Stern or Ellen or anyone else I can name-drop.It s me telling you about my fake problems in life and a few real ones (my neck is actually really a disaster). It is a book about comedy, and how I came up from the dusty roads of Arizona with my OP shorts and my blond fluffy hair, to the mean streets of Beverly Hills, with nothing but a few props in my mom s old honeymoon suitcase and a few dry jokes. I blather on about how I got into stand-up, how I lost my virginity, and meeting Johnny Carson, to my years on Saturday Night Live (I couldn t write decent sketches for shit for a long time), to making Tommy Boy with Farlz, to the time I got the shit kicked out of me by my assistant while I was wearing a Coneheads T-shirt . . . this is my memoir.So, anyway, take a minute . . . to buy this, you don t even have to read it, just gave away all the good parts, anyway. Who reads books, right? Fuck this, let s go do molly at Coachella!"